so yesterday after club meeting, we were picking out sizes for club tshirts and i wanted an M but then my "friend" said "yelah tu. beli je L" "x. M. L nnt besar" "sedar la diri. L" "hei aq dah kurus sikit la" "eleh setakat makan tembikai je hari2 xdenye kurus mane" and i just said ok.

Do you ever in very rare times actually feels good about yourself? you like how your hair looks, how your eyes doesnt have bags or how your teeth is whiter than usual. then you go out having this very good feeling about yourself. and theres that one comment thats makes you crumble. it doesnt take much, just one comment to make it all seem worthless. makes what you did worthless. makes you feel youre so fucking worthless.

2013 i thought its gonna be a good year. losing weight, be more cheerful, get good grades but no. its just the same fuckery every fucking year. do you know how hard it is not to eat? do you know horrible i feel at school? at home, naked in front of the mirror, do you know how fucking sick i am of me? you think i dont know that im fat? trust me i do? and you dont need to remind me cuz all my life i hear "fat""fat""FAT" even my parents. you dont think i try to stop eating. i fall asleep at 3am every night cuz my stomach keeps rumbling. my dad said i was too busy online to even eat when i wasnt. i just dont want to fucking stuff my face with food. and when i do eat, everything just comes out the way it came in.

i cut. i started to the beginning of the year. i just cant handle with the shit. my scars, wounds full of bad memories "fat" "ugly" "worthless" it hurts. it fucking hurts. yesterday i cut too deep and had to bandage myself. i had to swear a hoodie to school on a hot day to hide it. sometime poeple see them and they just "why" "stop" they just say it but i know they dont mean it. none of them do. they care for a bit the first time they see it. then, nothing.

its so ironic that the head of the PRS have suicidal thoughts. im supposed to help others. how if i cant even help myself.

I'm one of those people who shed silent tears in the shower. I'm one of those people who hugs their knees and bury their heads in them. I'm one of those people who pick on everything they see in the mirror. I'm one of those people who run their fingers all over their body hoping it'll heal. I'm one of those people who are so badly damaged yet everyone seems to think otherwise. I can't help but be just another one of those people and feel sorry for myself and I know there's no way I'm ever going to get out of this spiral of misery.

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