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I had anxiety writing this

Lately I feel like I've changed a lot. For better or worse?, that I still don't know. In some ways, good things have been happening to me. Yet so did bad things.

First of all, I have been reading, like a lot. I'm pretty sure I've spent more than RM200 on books alone this year. I've finished reading The Hunger Games Trilogy, and the 3 side books, Powerless, Dr Yes and Border Town. And I'm currently reading The Last Invisible Boy, Eight Keys, Warp Speed, Liesl & Po, We Can Be Heroes and The Boy Who Could See Demons. As for future reads, I'm searching for The Maze Runner Trilogy and the Epilogue, Perks of Being a Wallflower, How To Kill a Mockingbird, The Caster Chronicles, Dark Lord and John Green's works. So that's a total of 9 read, 6 reading and 16 will be read. All these reading will either be the death of me or the death of me. Fucking feels man.

Next, I have longer periods between relapses and I guess that's good. I mean sometimes I feel like a relapse is going to happen but it didn't and I'm still okay, in a way. Reading and music really help a lot. Also doing creative stuff keeps me sane. I made a elastic bangle with googly eyes on it, I covered my wall with posters, thinking of rearranging my room again, making tiny projects and most of these things happen between 12 to 3 am so.. yeah. I also found some really good music like going through 8track and mixtapes on the net. I found out about Bastille, Mariana Trench, Of Monsters and Men, also a lot of classics from ABBA and etc idek. I have also been watching a lot of torrent movies like Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Suicide Room, Cyberbully, Easy A, The Notebook, Crazy Stupid Love, and a lot of horror movies.

As for the down part of changing I still have no idea what the hell is going on in my life anymore with SPM and my future and every time these thoughts get in my head I just feel like lying down on the floor and cry because I really have no idea. My result are getting worse! The only subject I can get an A is Modern Maths. I can barely get an A in English. I flunk my BM essay. My Chem and Phy are out of the window, I failing my Agama and I still haven't passed my Add Maths. As for my LK and Sej, I'm improving to say the least. I'm seriously thinking about abandoning Chemistry. I am literally hopeless. I think I can still get credit for a few of the other subject but idk. Then I keep thinking about the future, even more studying and work and stuff ughh. Like I don't even know with all these Matriks talk and A levels and honestly all I want to to get a Diploma in Film/Graphic Design/Multimedia/Animation and I just want to work at Dreamworks or Pixar and be happy and die and just be done with all of it. Sometimes at night I just lay on my bed with the only glow in the dark stars and think about everything, trying to sort everything out but I can't and I get anxiety attacks and I can't sleep and I have lost count on how many nights I didn't sleep. How did I even become the President of the Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya?? I'M A HOT MESS!!

idk man, i need to thrown my bed frame from the 25th floor. bye.

i just wanna be with you right now and you can tell me all thats bothering you and ill listen and ill try to help my best and ill tell you everything is okay and i wanna cuddle with you and make it all better and god i miss you so much we were so close and i hate not being there for you and feeling like theres nothing i can do to things better

You tell me not to do stupid stuff like this
Yet youre the one making me do the opposite
How do you suggest i feel when the whole class laughs at a drawing of me with my ugly face and fat stomach almost bursting out of my uniform
You dont know how much i hate myself
I avoid mirrors. I dont like to be reminded of those things
I hate my lips, my eyes. I hate my hair, my nose. I hate my body. I hate me.
You think its a joke.
You say I should get a sense of homour.
I got a sense of homour, but i guess it kinda wore off after 10 years of putting up with shit like this

big fat mess

so yesterday after club meeting, we were picking out sizes for club tshirts and i wanted an M but then my "friend" said "yelah tu. beli je L" "x. M. L nnt besar" "sedar la diri. L" "hei aq dah kurus sikit la" "eleh setakat makan tembikai je hari2 xdenye kurus mane" and i just said ok.

Do you ever in very rare times actually feels good about yourself? you like how your hair looks, how your eyes doesnt have bags or how your teeth is whiter than usual. then you go out having this very good feeling about yourself. and theres that one comment thats makes you crumble. it doesnt take much, just one comment to make it all seem worthless. makes what you did worthless. makes you feel youre so fucking worthless.

2013 i thought its gonna be a good year. losing weight, be more cheerful, get good grades but no. its just the same fuckery every fucking year. do you know how hard it is not to eat? do you know horrible i feel at school? at home, naked in front of the mirror, do you know how fucking sick i am of me? you think i dont know that im fat? trust me i do? and you dont need to remind me cuz all my life i hear "fat""fat""FAT" even my parents. you dont think i try to stop eating. i fall asleep at 3am every night cuz my stomach keeps rumbling. my dad said i was too busy online to even eat when i wasnt. i just dont want to fucking stuff my face with food. and when i do eat, everything just comes out the way it came in.

i cut. i started to the beginning of the year. i just cant handle with the shit. my scars, wounds full of bad memories "fat" "ugly" "worthless" it hurts. it fucking hurts. yesterday i cut too deep and had to bandage myself. i had to swear a hoodie to school on a hot day to hide it. sometime poeple see them and they just "why" "stop" they just say it but i know they dont mean it. none of them do. they care for a bit the first time they see it. then, nothing.

its so ironic that the head of the PRS have suicidal thoughts. im supposed to help others. how if i cant even help myself.